Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
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Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person