I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
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imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
March 16
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm