Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
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Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Drivers in my town ignore crosswalks. If they had shot the Abbey Road album cover in my town, there would’ve been one or two fewer Beatles.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to