be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
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My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
A French press is when you hug naked
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My 6yo is upset with my wife and I and promised to never talk to us ever again because we were both ignoring her as she was talking to us. At 6AM. While we were both still sleeping.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”