Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
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I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
The biggest mystery of our time
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*