I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
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12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!