It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
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I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Never forget.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
happy friday