I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
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[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good