Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
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Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list