When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs