When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
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DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
beware of dog
(jukin media)