If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
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Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.