Bed should get ready for ME
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water