When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother comingππππππ
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I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
There is so much beef on Twitter itβs impossible to stay vegan
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
me: you canβt take a joke
joke thief: what
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your job as a customer service representative?
Me: The phone calls kept interrupting my nap.
Date: Iβm not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
You have been warned.
just once iβd like my dog to give me a treat
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) Iβd just be like, βGo stand in the corner. Do it!!β then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
My wife: Donβt kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Iβve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Vampire: I can bite youβ¦
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: β¦ and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
6y/o: βMom, can I brush your hair?β
Me: βWell, you donβt really brush curly hair, but…thatβs fine.β
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* βThatβs better. Just keep that on.β