i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
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The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
😂😂
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Who needs an Air Fryer?
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.