Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
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Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know