interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
You Might Also Like
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Wait a minute
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Namaste
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”