PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
also my go-to takeaway order
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Never let them know your next move 😂
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one