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GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.