My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.