My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
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Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
*names my little horse OneTrick*
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
me logging onto twitter
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep