BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
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If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.