Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
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Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
a lot to unpack here
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.