Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
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Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭