You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
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Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.