Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
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THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Running from your problems is cardio .
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.