“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
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held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”