In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
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My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park