I doubt my humanity the most when I’m trying to read those wavy, twisty scripts that are meant to verify you’re human.
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If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim