Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds