doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
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It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
This is painfully accurate 😅
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
hi why am I like this
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]