When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
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Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
There is no try. There is only give up.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this