I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
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Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
No regrets in 2018
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
wtf is a larm clock?