Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
welp
I can’t deal with men any longer
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
smh
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Dune (2021)
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.