The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
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When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
there’s probably a fee though
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.