My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
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When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
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My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Don’t make me out nice you.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people: