Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
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In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Oh the things that I’d do* to that man
*stand in the corner awkwardly and hope he notices me and thinks I’m cute
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.