Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
My dog ate my work from home.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
“what that mouth do?” complain
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.