Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
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If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
doctor: i’m afraid i have some bad news
me: better than having fox news 😉
doctor: hahahaha 🙂
me: i’ll be here all week haha 🙂
doctor: haha give or take
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack