I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
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*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Guys, I found it.
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”