Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
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People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.