Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
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Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Welcome to the stomach
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
[at restaurant]
me, in my head: i want the pasta. i want the pasta. i want the pasta.
waiter: what can i get you?
me: *scrambling to open menu* uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i’ll have the uhhhhhhhhhh
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins