[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
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[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
a badder mouse
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.