Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
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Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
My daily affirmation
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
Uh oh…
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.