According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
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Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
They were playing soft rock in the bank earlier so I called it ‘Debt Metal’ lol and then the teller stabbed me in the hand with her pen.
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today