If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
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When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
I used to be married, but I’m better now
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six