“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
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*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what