Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
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Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
My flabber has been gasted.
“That’s what” – She
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!