frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
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eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?