February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
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Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
😅😅😅
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.